Exploring attachment styles has become a popular topic lately, popping up on social media, in conversations, and this is for good reason. It’s a concept that resonates with many people’s experiences in romantic relationships. 

The dynamics between romantic partners are often influenced by factors beyond the present moment, one of which is attachment style. Attachment style is a psychological framework that examines how the quality and factors of our early upbringing impact our adult relationships.

Before delving into our upbringing and caregivers, it’s important to note that analyzing these dynamics isn’t about criticizing our parents. It’s about fostering growth and improving our well-being, and functioning in relationships. We can hold two realities at once: one where we love, respect, and value our parents, and another where we acknowledge where our emotional needs might have gone unmet. 

Our parents are people, with flaws and weaknesses. They weren’t perfect, nor did they have to be. They did the best they could with the resources and internal skills available at that time. With this perspective, we can give ourselves permission to recognize how the past influences the present – in our relationships.

We’ll explore below, the three main attachment style patterns of relating:

1.       Secure Attachment

• In secure attachment, individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and independence in relationships. They have a positive view of themselves and others, trust their partners, and are able to express openly their needs and emotions.
•   Secure attachment is formed through consistent responding to a child’s needs, they are prompt, sensitive, and emotionally attuned. They provide comfort, reassurance, a sense of security, and foster trust and confidence. They are ultimately “emotionally available” to their children.
•   In adulthood, secure individuals form stable, fulfilling partnerships. They are responsive to their partner’s needs and can provide comfort and support. They can also offer comfort and self-soothing to themselves. They are emotionally available to their partner.  

2.       Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

•  In anxious attachment, individuals often experience heightened anxiety about their worthiness and availability of their partners (despite their partner’s committed behaviors). They will often crave closeness and reassurance and fear rejection and abandonment. These cravings and fears can be on both a conscious and subconscious level.
• Anxious attachment is formed through inconsistent responsiveness in parenting. Caregivers may be emotionally available at times but dismissive at others, creating an unpredictable and anxious dynamic. Other times, caregivers might be overly involved or intrusive, enmeshing their child in their own emotional needs and boundaries. Which often leads to a constant need for validation and fear of rejection.
•  In adulthood, anxious individuals might be more prone to excessive reassurance seeking, jealousy, and have difficulty with ambiguity, interpreting ambiguous situations as signs of rejection or withdrawal, leading to conflict and emotional dysregulation.

3.       Avoidant-Dismissive/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

•   In avoidant-dismissive/fearful-avoidant attachment, individuals often exhibit a strong desire for independence and self-reliance combined with an aversion to intimacy or vulnerability. They might maintain emotional distance in relationships as a way of protecting themselves, and they may struggle with expressing emotional needs and forming deep emotional bonds.
• Avoidant/fearful attachment is formed through emotional neglect, intrusive behavior in the parent, or inconsistent and harsh discipline without emotional support or guidance. Caregivers may have been dismissive, or reject emotional expression, which leads the child to suppress their emotions and needs.
•  In adulthood, individuals with avoidant/fearful attachment might be uncomfortable with excessive closeness or dependency, and might appear ambivalent or give mixed messages in relationships. They desire closeness, but simultaneously fear it.

Coming to understand our attachment styles and where they stem from can be both a painful and transformative process. The insight gained from learning about our attachment can bring self-awareness into our relationships and shine a light on areas to need or need improvement.

As with any psychological framework, attachment theory is nuanced and multifaceted. We can exhibit more than one attachment style – depending, of course, on the context or relationship we are in. Attachment styles can change, shift, and evolve and may appear more strongly based on a particular relationship or relationship dynamic.

Therapy, self-reflection, and open communication with partners can support individuals in navigating their attachment-related challenges and fostering secure and satisfying romantic relationships.

Book a consultation with me to delve deeper into attachment styles and their impact on your relationships. Let’s explore how understanding your attachment style can guide you towards healthier, more fulfilling connections.